In a city super market
I once heard a woman moan,
"I am sick and tired of shopping
'cos I do it on my own."
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Well I felt like saying, "Lady,
would you like to come with me.
When you've tried some rural shopping
you won't whinge, I'll guarantee!"
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First, the ute needs oil and water,
then I fuel it at the pump,
clean the junk from the cab and traytop
and offload it at the dump.
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Then just driving to the township
takes a rally driver's skill.
Muddy winter roads are slippery.
Summer gravel roads can kill.
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Now the grocery shopping's simple.
Soon my trolley's packed with gear,
but it's as I reach the checkout
that I hear the words I fear.
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"There's a message from your husband.
It appears he's found some weeds.
Can you drive out to the agent
for the chemicals he needs?"
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So I lug out all my shopping,
hoisting boxes on the tray.
I'll return to fetch the ice cream
as there's always some delay
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At the depot there's a problem
for it seems that stocks are short.
I'm advised to see his rival
who, he's heard, has overbought.
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Then he adds there's a message
to collect an ordered part
from the local Holden dealer
as the Commodore won't start.
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When I reach the other agent
he's got plenty in his shed
and he loads the drums quite quickly
but he dumps one on my bread!
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Next, the dealer has the car part
and I'm nearly out his door
when he calls out, "Here's a message
that your husband left before."
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"There's a bearing that is needed
and the number's written down.
You must see the Massey dealer
on the other side of town."
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When I get there, they are puzzled
for the number isn't right
and it's no use phoning hubby
as he won't be in 'til night.
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So they give me two "on appro".
I'm relieved. My chores are done.
THEN ... they tell me there's a message
to get rivets for my son!
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But he doesn't say which hardware
so from shop to shop I roar,
'till I find his flaming order
at the last place out of four!
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As I walk out with the package,
there's a note taped on the side.
"On your way home go to the freight yard,
pick up pipes and pesticide."
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On arrival, I discover
I must clamber on the back
and shift drums and grocery boxes
to accomodate the stack.
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Then the forklift isn't working
and, with only one bloke there,
if I want to get these things loaded
I will have to lift my share.
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On the tray, we trip and stumble
Over boxes, pipes and drums.
Plastic bottles lose their contents.
Crunchy cornflakes turn to crumbs.
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Well, at dusk, I set off homeward.
Without fail, I hit each bump
and it's then, from the roadside bushes
that a roo decides to jump.
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So I brake and swerve to miss it.
This prevents a nasty crash
but, alas, the metal pipe-ends
through the ute's rear window smash!
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Then I stop and knock the glass out,
readjust and rope the load.
In the dark I squash tomatoes
but, at last, I hit the road.
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In the cab, it's close to freezing
and the chill air prompts a frown
for I've only just remembered
that my ice cream's left in town.
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Tired and stressed, I reach the farmhouse,
glass in hair and almost blue,
to be welcomed by my husband,
"I've been waiting. Where were you?"
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At this point, things get unpleasant,
so I'll skip just what is said
when he finds the broken window
while I try to salvage bread!
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How I wish that city shopper
would appear so she'd be shown
what a rural woman copes with
when she's shopping on her own!
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